"THIS ARE THE LIST OF ACHIEVEMENTS"
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| PETRONAS TOWER |
MALAYSIA
- They are at press time the only country in the world with a former prime minister that has successfully started a post-retirement career as a celebrity blogger
- They are the only country in the world which has successfully transfixed an entire nation’s attention on a man’s posterior and the penetrating instrument (whether real or manufactured) and hence educated an entire generation on sex, notwithstanding that the focus is mainly on anal sex (this explains why we have done away with sex education in schools. Students invariably fall asleep due to boredom during such trial classes).
- Their higher court judges, namely the federal and court of appeal judges are the first to toe the line in adhering to ‘1Malaysia’, a unity concept mooted to unite Malaysians on all fronts. The patriotic judges have without fail come up with unanimous decisions on cases that have political implications. By speaking with one united voice and not allowing dissenting judgments, they have effectively forestalled any backdoor power grabs by power-hungry opposition politicians. Such a display of judicious discretion is rare and is a testament to their loyalty without question to the second, third and fourth precepts of the Rukun Negara – ‘Loyalty to King and Country’, ‘Upholding the Constitution’ and the ‘Rule of Law’. Under such circumstances, the independence of the judiciary does not arise. It is irrelevant.
- Sons and siblings of former and present politicians - not surprisingly - are blessed with incredible business acumen, achieving billionaire status while still in their 20s, 30s, and 40s.
- They billion-ringgit European-made submarine can’t dive/submerge/sink. However, unidentified sources blame it on the high salt content in our sea waters. Alternatively, they explained that the so-called submarine is in fact an aircraft carrier built to look like a submarine. ‘It was a typographical error. We apologise for the mix-up and regret the error. The clerk who committed this error has tendered his resignation.’ At press time, it still could not be established why we need a submarine, much less, two, in the first place.
- It is not unknown that in military circles, ghost stories abound. Malaysia is no exception. Recently, according to sources who declined to reveal themselves, several old F-5E fighter engines have suddenly grown wings and flew off to Uruguay sans pilot. Apparently, these fighter engines are distant cousins of the Uruguayan Air Force fighter engine, a twin turboprop Fairchild FH-227. You know, the one that crashed in the Andes on Friday, Oct 13, 1972. To survive, survivors ate other survivors who had succumbed to the cold and who were frozen at the time of the ‘food preparation’.
- Ghosts also apparently haunt certain law enforcement agencies. One opposition political aide by the name of Teoh Beng Hock for unknown reasons fell to his death while at the premises of the Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission. Both sides are still quibbling over the cause of the fall and death. Similarly, a Mongolian model who allegedly never entered Malaysia somehow was found bombed to smithereens in a forest. Although the direct perpetrators were convicted, questions still arise as to the suspicious circumstances of her death. It is believed that the local press was forbidden to mention her name in case her spirit might return to haunt certain culpable fellows. Till today, no one is sure who the real culprits are and why she was exploded. Other custodial deaths, save for alleged car thief A Kugan, enjoyed a quieter exit.
- Meanwhile, another celebrity blogger, better known as fugitive blogger Raja Petra Kamarudin, had somehow vanished into thin air, with occasional sightings around the world. Word has it that aliens in an UFO had kidnaped him for research purposes. They had somehow identified him as being the sixth most intelligent Malaysian on earth and had wanted to study his brains. He has thus been allowed to live in luxurious surroundings and continue with his writing. His response to his son’s imprisonment and alleged attempted suicide in jail is also being monitored. Government authorities, meanwhile, have stepped up their efforts to regain this ‘brain drain’.
- Efforts are also seriously being made to investigate how billions of ringgit could have left the country undetected. According to unmentionable sources, government authorities are working on several theories, chief among them is the suggestion that ‘hidden hands’ are at work using tele-porters to transport vast sums of money to safe havens overseas. Investigators are leaving no stone unturned and are investigating the whos and whys. In the midst of investigations, a secret document is leaked which hints at an impending government takeover following several politician crossovers. This leads investigators to believe that the teleported cash is used to fund the crossovers. At press time, it still could not be established whether the government referred to is the federal Government or a state government.
